As humans, we are often forced to recognize the utter seriousness of life. General paranoia and worrisome habits are key aspects of the trade. We must consider paying the bills, drinking water, and doing our taxes. If we do not spend a good portion of our lives completing these annoying tasks, we are viewed as irresponsible human beings (this mainly applies to the US, as the French have some different ideas on the matter).
I’ve been lead to such thoughts by a conversation in which I was involved with a friend of my family (who we will call Judy) over the weekend.
Me: “I spoke with a woman who felt that it is extremely easy for people in situations of extreme poverty to ‘rise up’ and have a professional career in the US.”
Judy: “Oh yeah?”
Me: “Yes, she said that if she was homeless, she would collect money until she had gathered a sufficient amount for a nice suit, and then she would do job interviews once she had acquired the suit.”
Judy: “I agree with her. Those people have no excuse for failing to succeed in this country. They choose to be lazy and poor.”
Me: “That’s interesting…ah, well, I must ask, Judy, are you a Christian?”
Judy: “Yes, I’m Catholic, you know that.”
Me: “You know that Ghandi once said that he loved Christ but disliked Christians?”
Judy: “Oh, and why is that?”
Me: “Because Christians are so unlike Christ.”
At this point, Judy stormed out of the room and began complaining about me to my family.
Subsequently, at this point, I realized that I had been living life in reverse. It is commonly said that most people systematically use less of their imagination as they grow older, however, this is hardly the case for a man of my standards.
Suddenly, an elephant squeezed through the doorway, rolled me up into its trunk, and swung me about in a similar manner to which a mother rocks her babe. The elephant was enormous, and it had an ass like Roseanne Barr. As my family and guests (especially Judy) grew calm, the elephant gently placed me back onto the floor and squeezed itself through the doorway. Just as it made the final push to eject itself from the house, it let go of an enormous fart. The fart smelled like raspberry gelatin.
