monarch butterflies

progress remains out of sight

getting laid today

Philosophy and the study of the actual world have the same relation to one another as masturbation and sexual love. – Marshall Berman

“…Lest he shave my mustache with lead.”

“Look at Jackson’s brigade! It stands there like a stone wall”

“War is cruelty.  There is no use trying to to reform it.  The crueler it is, the sooner it will be over. ”

Baseball fans are the yardstick of American cities.   Do you love the dirty water?

MORE FITZY! (AKA Joseph Hartmanovits if he were born in Boston).  “Remember, baseball is America’s pastime, just like going and fucking yourself is.” 

Red Sox Preview part II:

When I arrived at McNalley’s, I was greeted by the Thursday bartender, Al, who never seemed grow tired of wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey.  As I made my way around the bar, I spotted Lucy sitting at a table in a dark corner just behind the pool table.  Two over serious types were playing, and I had to wait for a moment as I turned the corner so that one of them could miss a routine shot at the eight ball.

“Hey Lucy, what’s up?”

“Oh hey Mike!  How are you!”

“I’m good, very good…”

I sat down.  Lucy was looking delightful.  She was a relatively small girl, short in stature, though incredibly fit.  She was a gymnast, and I can imagine where a man’s thoughts can travel at the mention of that notion.  Twisting, turning, oh, you know the story…  However, I did not, and as you can imagine, I was wanting to discover that for myself.   

“So how was work today, Mike?”

“Just spectacular, let me tell ya, I didn’t even get a break.”

“Aww, that’s too bad, you must be exhausted…are you gonna call it an early night?”

“Yeah, probably, if that’s ok with you.”

“Oh yeah, sure, I can even give you a ride home whenever you’d like… “

Small talk continued for an hour or so, when she and I both agreed that it was time to leave.  We arrived at the front of my house.

“Ok Mike, here you are!”

“Thanks for the ride home and all.  Anyway, what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Oh, I’m probably ready for a full night out tomorrow.  Tonight I’m just, ohh…”

“Yeah, I understand, me too, well, anyway… umm…”

There was an awkward silence here.

“You can come in for a moment if you would like.”

“Ok.”

We walked up the steps and into my front door; of course the naughtiest thoughts were in my head, but I could only wonder if she felt the same.  We began watching some rerun of a network television show.  The room was like a mortuary for about ten minutes, and suddenly we began to kiss.  Our tongues tangled like two serpents in some ritual dance, and it wasn’t long before I began removing her clothing.  Not a word was uttered, and soon I was placed firmly between her legs.  The situation proved difficult at first, and that familiar thought for all men, “Is she a virgin?” had crossed my mind.  Variety was nonexistent, and the only things in which to look forward were the subtle moans that emanated from her smallish mouth.  Our experience had soon come to an end.  I had removed myself, and it was no longer than two minutes from that time when she began weeping uncontrollably.  I attempted to comfort her.

“Oh, Lucy, what is wrong?  I don’t understand!”

“Ohh, it’s just…this stuff..always…well, it always screws everything up.”

I was confused by this statement, as I am typically a compassionate man.

“Lucy, I’m not going to stop talking to you now…or whatever you’re thinking.”

She continued to weep for another hour or two.  This span of time had annoyed me, as I didn’t see the necessity or reasoning for such actions.  When it was nearing three o’clock in the morning, I finally decided that I would put a stop to it.

”You know, if you’re so upset, why don’t you go home.”

“So you don’t want me here?”

“No, I didn’t say that, I just think that you maybe need to spend some time alone.”

She wiped the tears from her face and looked at me like a fawn caught in some speeding car’s headlights.   She soon stepped outside and I heard her car emit its low rumble as it pulled away.

As humans, we are often forced to recognize the utter seriousness of life. General paranoia and worrisome habits are key aspects of the trade. We must consider paying the bills, drinking water, and doing our taxes. If we do not spend a good portion of our lives completing these annoying tasks, we are viewed as irresponsible human beings (this mainly applies to the US, as the French have some different ideas on the matter).

I’ve been lead to such thoughts by a conversation in which I was involved with a friend of my family (who we will call Judy) over the weekend.

Me: “I spoke with a woman who felt that it is extremely easy for people in situations of extreme poverty to ‘rise up’ and have a professional career in the US.”
Judy: “Oh yeah?”
Me: “Yes, she said that if she was homeless, she would collect money until she had gathered a sufficient amount for a nice suit, and then she would do job interviews once she had acquired the suit.”
Judy: “I agree with her. Those people have no excuse for failing to succeed in this country. They choose to be lazy and poor.”
Me: “That’s interesting…ah, well, I must ask, Judy, are you a Christian?”
Judy: “Yes, I’m Catholic, you know that.”
Me: “You know that Ghandi once said that he loved Christ but disliked Christians?”
Judy: “Oh, and why is that?”
Me: “Because Christians are so unlike Christ.”

At this point, Judy stormed out of the room and began complaining about me to my family.

Subsequently, at this point, I realized that I had been living life in reverse. It is commonly said that most people systematically use less of their imagination as they grow older, however, this is hardly the case for a man of my standards.

Suddenly, an elephant squeezed through the doorway, rolled me up into its trunk, and swung me about in a similar manner to which a mother rocks her babe. The elephant was enormous, and it had an ass like Roseanne Barr. As my family and guests (especially Judy) grew calm, the elephant gently placed me back onto the floor and squeezed itself through the doorway. Just as it made the final push to eject itself from the house, it let go of an enormous fart. The fart smelled like raspberry gelatin.

Shortly after this meeting, Scranton mayor “Chrisnocchio” Doherty and city council president ”Judas” Gatelli conspired to violate citizens’ rights and severely compromise the entertainment value of public access television. How? I tink maybe youse guys need to wait fudda update.